CIA Program Killed
The CIA is scrapping a program designed to find and kill al Qaeda terrorists. The White House wants the agency to focus more time and energy finding finding something even more elusive in America today -- jobs.



Obama the Sportscaster
President Obama will join the TV broadcasters for an inning or two at Tuesday night's All-Star Game. Of course the game is being broadcast by FOX, so the president is refusing to speak to any commentators without getting a helmet and a cup first.




Small Business Bailout
The White House is considering allowing TARP funds to be used to aid small businesses with fewer than 100 employees. In a related story, AIG has just laid off all but 99 of its employees.



Parking Lot Rage
New York State Police say a man wild with anger mowed down 14 people with his car in a parking lot at a Chuck E. Cheese. But investigators aren't sure if the man did more or less damage than the kids at the birthday party inside the Chuck E. Cheese.



India's Tainted Alcohol
A huge amount of tainted alcohol in India has left several children without fathers. In America, good alcohol regularly leaves millions of children with divorced fathers.

Obama's View
The Internet is buzzing about a picture from the G8 summit that seems to show President Obama ogling a woman's rear end. The White House insists he was just checking her greenhouse gas emissions.



Byrd Against Energy Bill
91-year-old Senator Robert Byrd is opposing his fellow Democrats and their cap and trade energy bill. It turns out he's against anything that helps power those darn horseless carriages.



The New GM
GM will hold a 9am news conference today during which CEO Fritz Henderson and new Chairman Ed Whitacre will take questions on the company's future... and if they're lucky the company will actually last longer than the news conference.


Ownership Stakes
60% of the new GM is owned by the U.S. government, the UAW owns 17.5%, and anyone who buys a GM car now owns 100% of a piece of crap.




AIG Bonuses
Bailed out AIG wants to pay its executives big bonuses again. But this time it has a good excuse: it turns out the company is making millions insuring the lives of overpaid AIG executives who keep getting death threats.

Toxic Assets Deal
9 financial firms have agreed to manage the so-called "toxic assets" program with the federal government... now if they could only find someone competent to manage the toxic asset known as "The Mets."



What a Way to Go!
A New Jersey man has died after falling into a vat of chocolate. There is no solid evidence of foul play, but police are holding Willie Wonka for questioning.



Illinois Cemetery Shocker
Police say that more than a hundred bodies from an Illinois cemetery were dumped in mass graves so their plots could be resold. But luckily for those bodies this did happen in Illinois, so they are all still registered to vote.



Diana beats Jacko
Nielsen has announced that the funeral for Princess Diana posted better ratings than the Michael Jackson memorial service... more proof that the Jacksons should have used Michael's corpse in a Thriller zombie dance scene finale.



Obama and Brazil
President Obama says he is counting on Brazil to help convince Iran to scrap its nuclear weapons program. In a related story, the president is also hoping Brazil will find out if Chile wants to go out with him.



L.A. Blackout
A major power outage hit Los Angeles last night, causing traffic jams and leaving people trapped in elevators. Luckily, the state is issuing electricity IOU's to everyone who is still without power.

Empty Apartments
The national apartment vacancy rate has reached a 20-year high. This is partly due to the slowing economy, but mostly because Mark Sanford and Steve McNair are no longer paying their mistresses' rent.



Ruth Free
A federal judge is giving Ruth Madoff her passport back, allowing her to travel freely. As of now, she has just enough money to get from Midtown to East 96th Street.



Stimulus Waste
A new report shows many states are not using the stimulus money as intended. Ohio is using it to build useless government offices, Florida is using it to widen unused roads, and California is using it to keep LaToya Jackson away from all her brother's memorial services.



Alcoa's Bet
Aluminum giant Alcoa is betting on a big rebound for the company... mostly because soon the only way to make money in America will be getting the nickel for recycling soda cans.



Hu Goes Home
Chinese President Hu Jintao has left the G-8 summit in Italy because of the growing violence in the Xinjiang region. If he hurries, Jintao is hoping he might get a chance to torture some protesters personally.

MOST COMMONLY ASKED QUESTIONS BY THE NEWS MEDIA


TODAY: "How did Michael Jackson touch you?"



2005: "Where did Michael Jackson touch you?"

Liz a No-Show
Liz Taylor has decided not to attend the Michael Jackson memorial service today. As a result, 17 new seats are now available to the general public.



Pope on the Markets
Pope Benedict XVI has issued an encyclical calling for more financial regulation. The Pope wants less speculation in the markets, more government supervision, and mortgage rates in Episcopalian chruches hiked up to 17.5%.



iPhone Anger
A new survey shows that 70% of iPhone users say service provider AT&T is annoying. Another survey shows 100% of iPhone users are annoying.



Drag Racing Parents
A man and a woman are under arrest in Tampa after being caught drag racing with two toddlers in the backseats of their cars. Incidentally, the woman drove her car at speeds near 100 mph and changed her kid's diaper in 6.5 seconds.



Injuries Up
Major League Baseball says the number of time players are out with injuries has increased 26% since 2006. In a related story, the number of players using steroids has decreased 26% since 2006.

Jacko Service
Tens of thousands of people are lining up already at L.A.'s Staples Center in hopes of attending the memorial service for Michael Jackson. But just as they did when Michael Jackson was alive, all boys under 14 get in free.



Palin Effect
Sarah Palin's decision to step down as Governor of Alaska has Republican's looking for a new leader... luckily, they should be able to find some at the hooker and mistress convention in Kansas City next weekend.



Iran vs. Satellite
Opposition newspapers in Iran say the ruling government in Tehran is cracking down on satellite TV broadcasters. Cablevision is responding by broadcasting a 2-hour tribute to Ayatollah Khomeini.


Iran vs. Satellite II
Opposition newspapers in Iran say the ruling government in Tehran is cracking down on satellite TV broadcasters. They're angry about spreading anti-government messages, and the extra charges for NFL Sunday Ticket.



Obama in Russia
President Obama is in Moscow this week to ask the Russians to reduce their nuclear weapons. In return, he's offering them 5 tickets to the Michael Jackson memorial service.



Chrysler Board
The new Chrysler has named nine people to its board of directors... the nine people in America who still drive a Chrysler.

Jacko's Will
Michael Jackson's will is causing mass confusion among his family and friends. It's still not clear who gets his kids, assets, or his original face.

Michael Jackson's will names Diana Ross as a possible guardian for his three children. Apparently, Jackson wanted to make sure someone would continue to molest them long after he was gone.



Afghan Offensive
President Obama has ordered a major offensive against the Taliban in southern Afghanistan. The White House became enraged when it learned the Afghan Mullahs don't offer their terrorist followers free health care insurance.


With the prison at Guatnamo being closed, it's not clear where the captured terrorists from this new Afghan offensive will be held. The only place to put them where they'll never come out alive is a VA hospital.



Malden Dead
Legendary actor Karl Malden died Wednesday at age 97. He was famous for his roles in "On the Waterfront" and "Patton," in addition to the fact that he was the recipient of most of the parts fro, Michael Jackson's original nose.



Pentagon Order
The Pentagon says it will buy more than 5,200 new armored vehicles designed to protect troops from roadside bombs. Now all the Pentagon has to do is find an American auto company that's not out of business.



GM IPO?
The U.S. Treasury says it plans to bring GM out of bankruptcy and sell shares of the new GM by the end of next year. The Treasury also says it expects to sell most of those shares to fairies, unicorns and elves.